From the Dark Corners series #3

It sets off on an adventure
Exploring every corner of this new territory
Creating its own soft hills and valleys
Impervious to the disaster it leaves behind
Coming and going on its own volition
Every morning a new map is drawn
Same process and yet always different
It's itching, itching until it can't be ignored
Like a wave, burning, swelling
Until it's flooding a territory not its own
Its reasons are unclear
And demand further investigation
Drugs can be a way to apprehend it
Although a temporary way
Its deeper motives indeed
Need to be uncovered and comprehended
Only then can it be tamed, and rid for good.

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This poem is as raw as I wrote it on the worst morning of a 3-week bout of severe hives and angioedema. It came to me in a wave just like the hives did. Thank goodness it finally got better earlier this week. So this morning, I took a 3hr dance workshop. I was not sure if I should go. First I'm not a morning exercise kind of person, but also my body was so exhausted. My muscles felt weak. I could sense I needed replenishing and I was not sure I could go through a 3hr dance class. But Rianne made it so gentle and soft, inviting and caring. It's probably only in the last hour that I felt a new flow of energy, the liveliness re-integrating my body.

I hadn't realized how much of a toll this whole thing took on me, physically and mentally, until at the end of the workshop, when sharing our thoughts, I was unable to hold my tears. Contained within those tears was a messy mix of feelings: all the stress from both the illness and not knowing why it was happening or how long it would last; all the fatigue from not sleeping well; but also the gratitude of being here in a safe and judgement-free space where I could share those feelings; and the appreciation of being able to deal with this from a place of privilege, privilege of having a great family doctor who cares and listens, privilege of friends and family I can count on, privilege of not stressing about other things like money or housing.

The title of the song for the phrase we danced at the end felt so appropriate. It's called “God Turn Me Into a Flower” by Weyes Blood (beautiful and soothing song by the way). And that's really how I felt, like a flower blooming again after the winter.

I know the hives could come back anytime. And I'm still pretty tired. But for now, I will just be grateful for my healthy and fully functioning body and mind, while having a new understanding and admiration for those who suffer from chronic pain and illness. And I will try to be more attentive to my body, who was probably trying to tell me something worth listening to.

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